My Teen Mania Experience

Yesterday, I gave you links to some free books I've found helpful in my journey. Today, I'd like to whet your appetite by highlighting one of them. As I was reading it last week, I pulled some quotes that I thought fellow TM alumni might enjoy.

- "That’s the worst part of religious thinking. It takes our best ambitions and uses them against us. People who are trying to be more godly actually become more captive to their appetites and desires. That’s exactly what happened to Eve. She just wanted to be like God, which is also exactly what God wants for us. It wasn’t what she wanted that got her in trouble, but that she relied on her own strength to get her there.

- "Sorting out a relationship with Jesus is a lifetime journey."

- (On Accountability) "Because real body life isn’t built on accountability. It’s built on love. We’re to encourage each other in the journey without conforming people to the standard we think they need."

- (On grace and a license to sin) "That’s sounds like relativism, John!"

"It’s not, it simply respects the process God uses to bring people into truth. I’m not talking about different things being true, but people discovering that truth in different time frames. If we hold people accountable, they will never learn to live in love. We’ll reward those who are better at putting on a better front and miss those who are in the real struggle of learning to live in Jesus."

- (On Christian Institutions) It’s love with a hook. If you do what we want, we reward you. If not we punish you. It doesn’t turn out to be about love at all. We give our affection only to those who serve our interests and withhold it from those who do not."

That's all for this week. I'll be back next week with some hard-hitting posts. Happy Thanksgiving.

Churches That Abuse by Ronald Enroth is a great book that I've referenced here before. It gives a rundown of abusive practices and characteristics to help you understand what you have experienced. He has also written Recovering From Churches That Abuse.

Both of these titles are out of print but you can buy used copies or email me and I will send you a FREE digital pdf of the books. My address is recoveringalumni at hotmail dot com.



So You Don't Wanna Go to Church Anymore by Wayne Jacobsen, follows the journey of a man who slowly discovers that Christianity is not about ethics, but about love. Though he is in full timme ministry at a thriving church, his efforts to control both his behavior and other's leads only to emptiness and futility. A great read that will refresh your spirit and help you think about things in a new way.




Also by Wayne Jacobsen,He Loves Me is a radical reorientation of the Christian life from effort and performance to resting in God's love. Each page is dripping with grace and mercy. You can download the first edition for free if you follow the link.

Seriously, those of you who know - what is this?

Humiliation and shaming are two of the most popular tools for "growth" at the Honor Academy. In his talk "Aura of a Statesmen" (available on itunes) Dave Hasz recounts this story.

I’ve never used the word F-A-R-T in front of my wife or my daughter. Ladies, I don’t ever want to hear that word come out of your mouth. Because a lady is not going to say that word.

I was driving a van full of interns. A lady in the back said, “Who farted?” Here’s what I did. I slammed on the brakes and pulled over and said, “Please don’t use that word, there are ladies in the van.” She said, “How can you say that to me? I am a lady!” And I said, “You haven’t proven that to me based on your vocabulary.”

Not only does Dave Hasz engage in this behavior, he brags about it! He sees absolutely nothing wrong with humiliating someone to prove a point.

As I recall, Jesus had the opportunity to shame a woman. The woman at the well already had 5 husbands and was even shacking up at the time that He met her. Did Jesus use this knowledge to shame her? Did he even confront her sin at all? No. He was gracious and loving and extended life to her.

Grace and love is how Jesus wins us. Grace and love is what causes transformation in our lives. Not only does humiliation not even work to change our hearts - its 100% against the very nature and person of Jesus Christ.

For your weekend reading pleasure, here are some words of truth I've enjoyed this week:

1) "Our fundamental lack, is the lack of seeing the love of God"

2) “How could God love me when I doing nothing for Him?” If you don’t sense God's love and acceptance when you do nothing . . . then you never can.

3) The Christian Leader of the Future

4) So I guess religious performance sees self-denial and counting the cost as a way to gain the relationship. I don’t.

5) 10 Things Good Pastors Say

As I've mentioned here before, I like to believe that Dave Hasz and the rest of the Honor Academy staff have good intentions. Unfortunately, their sincerity does not negate the damage they have done. The book Soul Repair has this to say about spiritual abusers:

Spiritual abusers usually are not conscious of what they are doing. Few who accept leadership positions in a Christian community are thinking, I'm looking forward to manipulating people so that they get their value from how I tell them to behave rather than from Christ. Most spiritual abusers have good intentions. They see their actions as an expression of concern for the well-being of others. Few would be able to recognize, let alone articulate, they they are putting their faith in something they are doing rather than in God, and that they are encouraging others to do the same.

Anytime we are in a position of spiritual leadership or influence and we move away from grace, we are in danger of becoming abusive. We need to regularly ask ourselves several questions:

- Do I need to rely on anything other than God's love to be okay in my relationship with God?

- Would if feel catastrophic if I made a mistake?

- Am I unwilling to give up control over other people's behavior?

- Do I feel compelled to pretend that I don't struggle or have problems?

- Am I judgmental towards others, negatively assessing their spiritual standing compared to my own?

- Do I have a need to "get it absolutely right" in my relationship with God?

If we answer yes to any of these questions, we may be suffering from the destructive dynamic of abusive spirituality.

Stay tuned for one more post today.

I was an August intern, from the class of 2000. I was K-Crew, Breakfast Crew - and I LOVED Teen Mania.

Don't get me wrong - I still believe God brought me there. I had a deep peace that it was where I was supposed to be. And there were many good things He showed me and gave me during my time there. For instance, I had never heard of the idea of His being my husband before I went on my first mission trip with TM. So that year was a sort of honeymoon for me, of sorts. And I made some really tight friendships in the kitchen, because our crew was really close. I still keep in close contact with 3 people from that crew (all of whom have left their faiths since then, though - but that's a different story, for one of them to tell), and have casual contact with several more.

My biggest struggle that has come between me and God since then, though, started with something I was taught while an intern at TM. I am literally just realizing this as I type it.

It has to do with the whole idea of vision and purpose that they preach. (You remember the 5 year plans we had to write, don't you?)

Now, the Vision retreats were great times for me - days spent alone with God with only Him as my sustenance.

And the whole idea that God has a purpose for each of us is great.

HOWEVER, even at that time, I felt a little uncomfortable with the idea that He'd give us a step-by-step plan. To me, it seemed to contradict the idea that He wanted us to follow Him - why would we need to follow Him, if we already knew where we were going? So I kept my Vision Statement intentionally vague, and my 5 year plan wasn't anything I really felt hardcore about.

But that way of thinking, of needing to know my purpose so I could just focus on my vision and not let anything distract me from fulfilling it, seeped into everything. It also kind of combined with the fact that several people told me I had the gift of prophecy. So by the end of the year, I was pretty confident I could hear God's voice and see where He was leading me - and it ended up directly contributing to one of my biggest crises of faith I've ever had.

I thought I was supposed to go on a trip to South Africa, and that it was supposed to be a "faith" mission (no fundraising). I believed it was what God wanted, so I prayed and waited - and the money didn't come. I spent WEEKS out in the Bach Forte after that, wrestling with God and asking Him why He'd tell me I was going and then not have it happen... I never really got an answer, but I did get Him.

Then I went home, and, like many other people, became angry and depressed. I was prideful, blah blah, pushed people away, confronted those I barely knew, etc. etc. (It seems we all have this in common.)

Then a couple years later I went to college. A nice, Ivy League school. And during my junior year, I met someone. And I was CERTAIN he was "the One" because our meeting corresponded to several "signs" God had given me before I met him, and whenever I sought confirmation, I got it.

Needless to say, he wasn't "the One." And I was devastated. That relationship was completely unhealthy and codependent, and he lied to me over and over again - but I kept trying to persevere because I KNEW he was who I was called to be with. And I grew more and more depressed - almost suicidal - as I struggled to reconcile the obvious (that we weren't going to end up together) with what I believed God had told me (that we would be together). I kept loving him, even though he didn't love me.

Finally, he met someone else and moved on (thank you, merciful God).

It took me two years to get over him, and my relationship with God went through the exact same thing it did when I was in the Bach Forte, only on a MUCH bigger scale: God, how could you tell me this would happen, and then not have it happen?

It took my roommate confronting me for "opening the door to witchcraft" for all of this to start coming undone.

I began to realize that I was trying to manipulate God. I was trying to make Him do what I wanted and convince Him that what I wanted was actually His will, too. I would hungrily read the Bible like it was a giant fortune cookie, like every verse would reveal my future. This, I later learned, is something called Bibliomancy, which actually is a form of fortune telling and witchcraft (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bibliomancy). I thought I was just "seeking confirmation," but I really wasn't.

God kept gently bringing me back to the story of Abraham and Isaac, but I just thought He meant I was supposed to give up this man, and I'd get him back - what God was actually saying was that I needed to lay down control and let Him decide.

Where in the Bible does it say God will tell us a 5 year plan? He gives SOME people hints at the direction He'll take them, but usually in those cases, it's when it's something that sounds impossible, without any way from point A to point B, and it takes complete faith and trust in Him to get there. Like with Abraham, about having Isaac - or Gideon with fighting with only 300 men...

Otherwise, if the "purpose" is something more easily attainable, God doesn't seem to reveal it (from my reading), because otherwise, the person wouldn't rely on Him like they should. Does that make sense?

It is only 10 years later, after battling (and overcoming) depression with the help of a counselor, and the gentle remonstrances of kind friends, that I have finally started letting go of "my vision" and resting in God. Now, I have a general idea of my gifts and where I think God might be leading me, but I'm completely willing for God to take me in a different direction, if that's where He wants me to go. He IS God, after all. And He is trustworthy.

(A big verse that spoke to me about this was actually Daniel 3:16-18, when Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were about to be thrown into the fiery furnace:

"Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.""

I realized, I should view my "vision" the same way they did - "God, I believe you want me to do this, but even if not, and it results in a "death" of some sort for me, I will still follow you.")

I've also started to read the Bible just to learn what God's voice sounds like - and have let go of trying to force prophecies out of Him. If He wants to reveal something to me, that's His prerogative.

And I'm also finally learning how to trust Him in terms of relationships. Instead of trying to immediately determine whether someone is "the One," I'm resting in Him and trusting that He'll show me. And I'm happy to say that there's someone I'm very happy to be getting to know right now... without any idea of where it might lead.

Until I sat down and wrote this email, I honestly thought it was me. It was something in me that made me abuse God in this way, and try to manipulate him. And, yes, there was something in me that was naturally ready to do this - I've always had a natural affinity for magic and fantasy.

But it was also Teen Mania, with their insistence that we can figure out God's will and map out our lives. And that makes me angry and sad and hurt that I might not have had to go through what I did if they hadn't convinced me of the truth of their message.

I am a much stronger, more compassionate woman because of what I have gone through - but I do not thank them for their contribution in that respect.